Puzzle Pieces

Last week I was awarded "Special Educator of the Month". To me, this term sounds like I'm a "special" educator. I would've much preferred the term "Special Education Teacher of the Month" See... there I go... can't just be happy about being recognized.

Anyway, a friend posted the blurb my principal submitted about me when nominating me for the recognition on our beloved Facebook and I got many congratulatory, you're so awesome posts. Which IS really awesome. However, one post said "what a great piece to add to your new puzzle."

This is from a grade school friend that I haven't seen in 15 years, who by her Facebook posts I noticed was divorced and noticed that her children went back and forth. So when I was sobbing uncontrollably the first day my children were with their father I reached out for some help. Her words were painful. There is no way around your heart being ripped out every other weekend. Nothing helps stop that hurt except time - and all that does is help you get used to the routine. You fill the void with "me" time. The "me" time that everyone says you so rightly deserve. But this isn't how I wanted to get "me" time.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, when I get my Sherlock Holmes up and start putting pieces together it really tears me up. It's beyond hurtful to realize what my estranged had been up to for two years. This friend said "start a new puzzle." Sounds good, right? But where do you find the pieces? What good can happen in my life that measures up to the old puzzle? The one where my family was intact. My kids slept in their beds every night. My husband slept beside me.

Before I was so hurt and betrayed that I can't breath. What kind of puzzle could I make now?

Even with these questions, I will take my friend's advice and place this piece in my new puzzle. Because I am pretty awesome and I need to keep reminding myself of that everyday.

Countdown: 3 days - Holy Crapoly Batman!!! I'm so excited about clothes shopping - sad though now I don't have any money! Unemployed, husbandless, saving anything extra to buy a house... but I'll look GOOOOOOD!!!

2011: The Year of Extreme Loss

What I have failed to mention is that in 6 days I will undergo gastric bypass surgery. I was very excited about it until today. Today I met with the operating room nurse and got some gory details. Like the drainage tube that I'll have to tie up from my neck to take a shower for a week post-surgery. Like the G-Tube that may be necessary for 12-14 weeks if there is a problem.

I am also nervous that even though I go to the drastic measure of cutting my body open to lose weight, I may gain it back. But most of all, I will miss my oldest and dearest friend.

In January I lost a very close friend of mine and my children. She battled cancer for two years and lost. She was my go to person. The friend I would call for any and all ridiculous information. I don't know how I will spend the summer at the pool without her. Her passing has left a gaping hole in my heart and life.

The end of January brought another death. My oldest and dearest friend, who I've known since 1st grade. She battled cancer for a little over a year. Her death was a blow to me. Even though we didn't talk every day, I could call her up and it would be like we didn't skip a beat. I loved her and miss her deeply. Another one of those gaping holes.

In March, my best friend and partner of almost 10 years left me. Sad to know that someone else who I love deeply is leaving me. And this time - by his own wishes. Even though he's still of this world, the dream death has been almost too much to bear. The seeing him and knowing he doesn't love me as I still love him is incomprehensible. How could it be? But, then there's yet another gaping hole.

So here I am, sitting here like swiss cheese and wondering what next. How do I fill these holes?

Is it the right time to give up yet another love of my life... food. My comfort, my joy. From lobster to hot dogs - I love it. 40 years of learning to cultivate and find the right foods to fill the void - whether it be actual hunger, sadness, stress, joy. What about the lobster dinner for two at the Dilworthtown Inn? What about my mother's lasagna? I could bathe in her lasagna. Oh WAIT - my go to stress reliever... McDonald's coke. AAAHHHH... how it helps me sing in perfect harmony!

So, the countdown continues. The questions continue to mount. I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed.

Where are my best friends when I need them most?

These Eyes

From the time I was a teenager, I could remember laying in my mother's bed staring into her mirror headboard looking at my eyes over the top of my pillow. My eyes... light brown almost yellow in the sunlight. My eyes... have seen so much. Pain, joy, mundane routine, love, hate... emotions that we all go through. I often stop and look at my eyes in my bathroom mirror... who are you? Are "you" still there? Then I see it, my brown eyes. Now 40 there are lines and bags. Today they are sad eyes. But in those eyes are my life. My memories.

I'm heavy (no not a pun for my 240lb physique...) - I'm heavy hearted. Actually, I'm heavy eyed. I see the eyes of my youth and wonder what happened? How did I get here? How did this happen to me? How did I let it happen?

Too many questions. Do I care about the answers? I sit here in my bedroom and look around at 10 years of marriage (or my mess, whatever you call it). What will my eyes see when I'm dissolving this life? Can my eyes filter the pain and see the bright future ahead?

Too many questions.

Putting the Little Pieces Together

It's like watching Lost. As the show was coming to a close, the writers gave us bits and pieces of information and little by little we put the pieces together and had A-HA moments. Well, let me tell you - when you find out your husband has been having an affair for two years, those A-HA moments suck.

My newest puzzle piece: my estranged is going to Chicago tomorrow for three days. My kids, having been spoiled since on his last trip to Chicago he brought home a bunch of gifts, asked him to be sure to bring them gifts again this time. His last trip was the only time he ever brought gifts home for the kids from a trip. He didn't bring me anything - and at that time I said "hey, you didn't bring me anything..." I wasn't mad - I was just saying it as a joke. But still he could've brought me a candybar, right?

Here it comes.... A-HA

Then it hits me... he had his girlfriend with him in Chicago the last time... How sweet he must've seemed buying things for his kids. Now it makes sense why he didn't buy me anything.

I don’t know why but I'm sobbing over this tonight. This isn’t the worst piece I put together during this whole thing. Maybe because I was used to babysit while he got fucked? He had an affair on my back and out of my pocket. Because i loved him while he was getting fucked? Because someone got over on me? Because I have to deal with this heartless asshole for the rest of my life?

Welcome ??

So, it's officially been 12 weeks since I found out my husband had been having an affair for two years. In the beginning, it was difficult to breathe. I found myself walking through the grocery store in tears. It was minute to minute. "It's over. I'm moving out."

I remember visiting Best Buy (typically my husband's trip). I was fine. Searching for long needed wireless headphones for the car. Then all of the sudden, it started to come over me. The feeling of "OH MY GOD, this was his store - I don't belong here." On the way out of the store, the greeter politely said "have a good night." I thought to myself as I smiled at him "can't these people see my heart dragging on the floor behind me?" I felt so heavy and so alone. I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes sobbing.

With that being said, 12 weeks later I thought I was doing ok. Really, I am. I no longer ask my estranged to "come back". I don't think I want him for him anymore. I've had a good two weeks with no tears until today.

My sweetest skincher has a notebook filled with questions that she asks people to answer. One of the questions is "Who is your best friend?" My answer was "Daddy". She came upon this book today after months and happened to read it out loud. Whatever it was, it struck a chord and went on to put a dark cloud over my day. By the time dinner was over and cleaned up, laundry done, and kids playing together in the living room, I was in full tear mode.

I was missing my best friend. We worked so hard to get to a point in our lives where there wasn't anything to do. Well, with 5 young children and 2 working parents that is very hard to come by, but tonight there it was.... some time with nothing to do and peace. But, where was my best friend? Where was my partner? Where was someone to share this moment with?

Is it enough to look around at my family and be satisfied with the joy they are bringing me? Is 12 weeks long enough to forget my best friend - the person I wanted to share those moments with? The person with whom the thought of sharing those moments got me through all of the other moments that weren't so calm and peaceful. Will there be a time when I don't miss the thought of him? The idea or dream that I had.

I don't know. I just don't know anything.

Are You Kidding Me?

So, here I am - mother of 5, husband just left - for good this time. Could I really be this horrible of a person to drive my husband into the arms of another woman twice? Or, has this been his MO the entire time we've been together? Don't know... don't care.

Day 1 of single motherhood with 5 children and a full time job....

Alarm went off and I instinctively reached my hand over to poke my husband so he could hit the snooze button... UGH, no snooze buttons to be hit. Time to get up, get dressed, and get the kids ready for school. I need to be at work at 8am, so.... our day starts mighty early.

Being the good mother that I am, I've been filling the kids head with how much their daddy loves them and didn't leave them - blah, blah, blah. UGH

I actually left work on time today and took the kids for a treat. It was nice, but undoubtedly aggravating as cherry water ice on their school uniforms typically raises my blood pressure, and that didn't change just because I was trying to be nice! UGH

Then we head to the shoe store to buy new shoes for my dearest daughters (both of their shoes were 2 sizes too small... oops) - again shoe shopping with 5 kids in tow is not recommended. UGH

Finally we head home... to heat up the dinner that my mother dropped earlier and to check homework and to wash uniforms and to referee fights and to clean the kitchen - all the while holding back the tears, fighting the urge to yell that daddy has a new girlfriend with her own children and while you are missing him, they will be cuddled up in bed beside daddy every morning- NOT YOU... I didn't. Because really, they are what's important here, not my hurt feelings. AND really, how hurt could I be? Didn't I know he was a cheat and a fraud - he cheated 1.5 years prior... what made me think he would do it again??? Pure ignorance - that's what!

Anyway, here's another one of my grand ol'ideas.... instead of cleaning the kitchen while they get themselves in bed, I would take them all upstairs and read a story... sounds good in theory. We all march upstairs like good little soldiers and as I am getting ready for bed myself all I hear is fighting... ok... hold it in. We'll have a little quality huggy time reading and cuddling, right? Sammy diligently runs to the basement to get a book.... comes back up with "Mon PaPa" - "My Dad" for those of you who don't speak French... that's right... I'll repeat.... My Dad. UGH