I remember visiting Best Buy (typically my husband's trip). I was fine. Searching for long needed wireless headphones for the car. Then all of the sudden, it started to come over me. The feeling of "OH MY GOD, this was his store - I don't belong here." On the way out of the store, the greeter politely said "have a good night." I thought to myself as I smiled at him "can't these people see my heart dragging on the floor behind me?" I felt so heavy and so alone. I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes sobbing.
With that being said, 12 weeks later I thought I was doing ok. Really, I am. I no longer ask my estranged to "come back". I don't think I want him for him anymore. I've had a good two weeks with no tears until today.
My sweetest skincher has a notebook filled with questions that she asks people to answer. One of the questions is "Who is your best friend?" My answer was "Daddy". She came upon this book today after months and happened to read it out loud. Whatever it was, it struck a chord and went on to put a dark cloud over my day. By the time dinner was over and cleaned up, laundry done, and kids playing together in the living room, I was in full tear mode.
I was missing my best friend. We worked so hard to get to a point in our lives where there wasn't anything to do. Well, with 5 young children and 2 working parents that is very hard to come by, but tonight there it was.... some time with nothing to do and peace. But, where was my best friend? Where was my partner? Where was someone to share this moment with?
Is it enough to look around at my family and be satisfied with the joy they are bringing me? Is 12 weeks long enough to forget my best friend - the person I wanted to share those moments with? The person with whom the thought of sharing those moments got me through all of the other moments that weren't so calm and peaceful. Will there be a time when I don't miss the thought of him? The idea or dream that I had.
I don't know. I just don't know anything.
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